I know now. I know the journey’s destination day, but I can’t bring myself to count. I stood in the pet aisle at Kroger last night staring at the canned dog food. I froze. I knew there was a number. A number of meals. I just couldn’t bring myself to count right then. Tears came instead. I took just two cans and hurried to the dairy case.
Sunday night is pillbox night. I fill my pillbox for the week and I fill Bronte’s. The counting, the number of pills that would be needed. How many days to fill? I don’t want it broken down to the number.
Bronte gets up to eat, and then she usually goes out. Shortly after, she comes in and lies down to sleep. Such are her days right now. Though as it has warmed a bit, she might walk the fence and she might choose to nap in the sun. These warming hints of spring were considered, included for our last leg of our journey. She loves lying in the sun. I was so glad when I saw that it would be warm. How dreadful I thought if we still had the damp chill of winter.
For the first time today, Bronte didn’t eat all of her meal. She left a little. Though I have come to accept that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want. There is nothing she has to do to please me or make me happy. I felt bad only because part of one of her pills was left in the little bit of food. For that reason, I had to ask if she would eat it for me. Yes, of course she did. And of course, I apologized for asking.
Walking into the kitchen, I knew it was time for there to be a destination day. Only a few hours earlier I had said she still was eating like a teenager smoking pot and gorging on munchies. Nope that was one symptom that seemed to elude her. Again the journey hastens. There is even a twinge that the number of days are too far.
Bronte doesn’t start the evening on the couch with me these past couple nights. However, later, I will mix her midnight med with one of those little Caesar snack meals. (I looked at those tonight and wondered if I had enough, but I couldn’t count those either). It is after the midnight med, Bronte will come jump on the couch and collapse against me. Though I sit up typing this, when it is time to sleep there will not be room for me to slide down. I won’t ask Bronte to move either. Instead, I will simply sleep sitting up, slightly slouched. Truthfully, that would be the case most times, with all the animals. Right now with Bronte though, no amount of anything in the world could get me to move. And sleep, well, I think there will be time enough for that later too.
When I settled on a destination day, it meant that time would be divided. There would be the counting to and the counting from.